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By Mom Unplugged, March 3, 2008 9:47 pm

On Saturday my 7 year-old daughter had her always homeschooled 9 year-old friend over. I went about my business listening with amusement to the chatter and negotiations involved in a complicated game of “fairies,” complete with multiple changes of fairy outfits.

In the context of the recent NPR reports about the disappearance (and importance of) good old-fashioned imaginative play, the afternoon of overhearing the girls play fairies resonated with me even more than usual. In case you missed it, I wrote about both these reports recently (Imaginative Play and Cognitive Function and “Creative Play Makes for Kids in Control”).

Side note: I wonder how many 7 and 9 year-old girls play fairies any more?

I have spent a lot of time in the past week reflecting on my “parenting-style,” such as it is. Here are a few highlights:

1) Obviously I believe that too many electronic toys, games, video games and TV can be harmful. You only have to look at the title of my blog to figure that one out!

2) I have also never felt that I needed to be my children’s activity-director (like Julie on The Love Boat, to bring a TV-related image into this). See: How to get by Without the Electronic Babysitting Box. My mother didn’t spend all day entertaining me, although I certainly would have liked it if she did. There is a very common belief out there that if your children are TV-free, more input and direction are required of the parents. Many feel that a TV-free life means getting fewer things done for yourself, and a commitment to spending lots of time with your child. I have to say that I respectfully disagree with this school of thought. Which leads to…

3) I think there is nothing wrong with children being bored. In fact I believe that out of boredom comes creative play. See: Let Your Kids be Bored.

4) I feel that children today are overscheduled. I can already see that overscheduling is an easy trap to fall into, especially as children get older. I am precariously attempting to maintain a delicate balance between an activity or two, and lots of free time “to be bored.” I feel a bit like a tightrope walker… See: The Six Year-Old and Her Executive Secretary.

True Confession Time:

I absolutely adore my children with all my heart and I love spending (some) time with them. I enjoy the Unplugged Project because we can all sit down together once a week and have some fun. Yet I don’t want to be communing with my kids all day long. I wish I did, but I don’t. I have interests and goals too, and I don’t want to ignore that part of myself just because I am a TV-free, stay-at-home mom.

I am in complete awe and admiration of all those moms (and dads) out there who homeschool. (I expressed my feelings about the first day of school here: The Rapture). I would certainly attempt homeschooling if I was unhappy with the current school situation (a small Montessori school that has been wonderful for us), but honestly I think homeschooling would be hard for me. Have any of you homeschooling parents felt such things, and if so, how did you overcome it?

My friend Wishy and I talk about this subject often. We have come to the conclusion that we must be missing some sort of “mothering gene.” We worry about being Bad Moms, or at the very least, Slacker Moms.

Wishy is a big believer in “Love and Logic” parenting and she has kindly passed along a few of the podcasts. “Love and Logic” calls for a consistent approach to parenting (with which I completely agree, although consistency can be hard to carry out successfully sometimes). In fact in one of the podcasts, they go as far as to say (kind of jokingly, yet kind of not) that it is even OK to be a substandard parent, as long as you are consistently substandard. “Consistently substandard.” I like that!

And now that there has been this recent public revelation of the value of leaving kids alone to just play in creative and imaginary ways without adult involvement, I am beginning to feel like my Consistently Substandard Slacker parenting style might not be so bad after all. (I call it: CSS Parenting).

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By Mom Unplugged, February 9, 2008 5:13 pm

A sports post??? From Mom Unplugged? Has the Earth tilted on its axis? Do pigs now request landing clearances from the control tower?

At the conclusion of last Sunday’s Superbowl I received two phone calls within 30 seconds of one another (I have call waiting), both to announce the news of the NY Giants’ unexpected victory over the New England Patriots.

Having no TV and less than no interest in football, nonetheless even I knew who was playing and who was supposed to win. So…lesson number 1: just because you are TV-free doesn’t necessarily mean that you are uninformed (although sometimes it does).

The first call was from my sister, who also normally prefers the Puppy Bowl to the Superbowl. The second was from my husband who had urgent business to attend to in Albuquerque last weekend and stayed at his house there instead of coming to Arizona. I wonder….could the “urgent business” have had anything to do with the fact that the Superbowl was on and I have no TV? Hmmm…..

Both of them were wildly excited about the upset and said it was the most exciting football game they had ever seen which, in my sister’s case, doesn’t mean a whole lot, but in my husband’s case it does.

On to lesson number 2: Obviously, New England was feeling cocky and far too sure of themselves, therefore they lost (Annotation: this expert opinion is coming from me who knows very little about football and didn’t even see the game).

What a life lesson! How do we teach our children self-esteem and confidence, yet also ensure that they develop humility and perspective?

This is a tricky balance indeed. I do believe that there is a recent trend toward the creation of over-entitled children and young adults who are incapable of accepting any responsibility for their actions. Why this is, I am not entirely sure, but it is one of those big parenting issues that I ponder regularly.

I am trying to come up with a strategy for encouraging self-confidence, yet thoughtfulness, humility, and perspective in my children. My kids are still young, so many of these ideas are plans for later years, but I have come up with a few things that I am hoping will help my children achieve this delicate balance:

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+ Have them work a “real job” as soon as they are old enough. If you are afraid of work interfering with academics, then at least encourage a summer job.

+ Let them find and apply for their own job. Try not to interfere. That way the success, or lack of success, of their choice is their responsibility and not yours.

+ Before they are old enough for a “real” job, have them babysit, mow lawns, shovel snow, sell lemonade…anything! The point is to encourage them to learn to earn and save money.

(More thoughts on kids and work coming in a new post soon!).

+ Have them save and pay for their own “extras.” (One tangential note: TV-free kids are exposed to far less marketing than kids who watch TV, so their list of “must-haves” tends to be shorter.)

+ Give them chores at home. Even at a very young age, children are capable of doing something to help out. Personally I don’t believe in paying for chores since this just leads to a bargaining battle if you ask them to do anything extra (“But how much will you pay me to empty the dishwasher today?”). I feel that chores are simply part of living in a household and should not be remunerated. DO let them know however, that you appreciate their chores and how much their work helps you and the other members of the family.

+ Encourage volunteer work. Volunteering yourself is the best way to get them interested in volunteering. Volunteering (and working) can introduce them to people they would never normally encounter. I think it is important for children to actually see that there are people less fortunate then themselves. This is a hard concept for a child to absorb without actually experiencing it himself, and it is a big step towards developing compassion and a desire to help others.

+ Teach kids about different charities and what they do. Have them contribute part of their allowance or savings to the charity of their choice, or start a Candy Bank to earn money for charity. Here is a good book that we have about kid-friendly charities:

+ Buy books about other countries of the world. Books can be a wonderful starting point for discussions that help children understand how people live in other countries. Here are some good ones:

For more book suggestions, please read my International Children’s Book Day post.

+ If possible, travel internationally.

+ Teach kids a skill that they can later teach to or share with others. Knitting, crochet, french knitting (aka. knitting mushroom), or of course a musical instrument are all good ones. Sharing something that we are good at instills confidence and feels good to all concerned.

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How interesting that a sports event has actually inspired me to examine life! Perhaps pigs really can fly after all.

PS. Any regular readers might notice that I have mentioned these books a few times before. I don’t mean to be boring, but I feel they are such a fascinating and valuable addition to any home library. Plus they just seem to “fit” with a lot of things that I write about.

Photo (NOT of the Superbowl) thanks to Wikimedia Commons and photographer Cpl. Michelle M. Dickson.

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By Mom Unplugged, February 1, 2008 11:48 am

The post I had planned for today will have to be postponed (no pun intended). Tonight it is my turn to host book club which means I must spend my day shoveling junk out of my living room and making my house look somewhat presentable.

Why? I don’t know. Most of the members have children so they know what it’s like! Who am I trying to fool by tidying up my house? Do people really think I live neatly all the time?

Oh well. Whatever flaw of my character compels me to attempt to make my house a model of child-free, elegant perfection, then so be it. Now I am off to collect stray legos and excavate the dining room in an effort to find the surface of the table.

By the way, this month we read The $64 Tomato: How One Man Nearly Lost His Sanity, Spent a Fortune, and Endured an Existential Crisis in the Quest for the Perfect Garden. This was a refreshingly humorous change from the long list of depressing books we seem to have gotten into lately. If you are a gardener and want a laugh, you’d enjoy it.

Thanks to morguefile.com and photographer Keshan Gunasinghe for this still-life (taken in China)

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By Mom Unplugged, January 7, 2008 10:44 pm

My baby bunny turned the ripe old age of two on January 2nd. She was the second baby of the year 2006 born in our small community. Nice, but it didn’t earn us any free diapers.

She has become such an amazing little human being, filled with a whole range of human emotions: both the good and the not so good! Jealousy, anger, and selfishness combined with tremendous love, empathy, and caring. That’s my bunny. An emotional symphony. And yes, she’s two:

A tiny Mussolini, marching about the house dictating orders.

A concerned little sister/daughter rushing over to say “You Kay?” if her older siblings or I appear hurt or sad.

A giggling miniature clown with twinkling eyes, doing silly walks and making funny faces, anything for a laugh.

A master of the full-out tantrum if she wants “ta-ta” (pasta) and something else is on the menu (by the way, the tantrum does NOT get her any “ta-ta”).

A sweet cuddle bug who loves to curl up quietly on Mama’s lap with a pile of books, intermittently snuggling in closer and murmuring “My Mama” while gazing at me with a buck-toothed smile of adoration.

Happy Birthday Baby Bug!

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By Mom Unplugged, January 5, 2008 10:44 pm

My last post, Leisurely or Lickety-Split?, posed a very subjective question: is my blog slow to load? I received a very interesting array of responses ranging from: Your site has been very slow to load and actually several times has made internet explorer shut down…” (sorry!), to “no, not at all.” However I must say that the one commonality was that you were all very kind in your comments, even when I might be the cause of crashing browsers. Thank you!

Well I do realize that much affects internet speed and crashing browsers and probably every person that commented today, DID have a different experience of my load time. Some are using dial-up, Blogger could be goofy, perhaps my blog works better in some browsers than others…who knows.

But all this got me thinking about what “slow” really means. Anyone who has travelled abroad, especially to countries with cultures very different from one’s own, has to realize that what is considered “slow” is extremely culturally dependent.

I remember reading somewhere a long, long time ago when the Former Soviet Union was still THE Soviet Union, that people in Russia would happily wait in line for an extremely long period of time. In fact if there was a line outside a store, people joined it automatically without knowing what it was for, because if there was that long a line, there must be something good inside.

Well I don’t know how true that last “fact” is, but I imagine that the Soviets, like everyone else in the world, had a certain expectation of how long their wait in line should be, and it was almost certainly much longer than the wait tolerated by a person in the US.

I think I read somewhere that the average time that an American will happily wait in line is 7 minutes, but I couldn’t find that statistic anywhere online, so don’t quote me on it OK? And of course if it is the eve of “Black Friday” at Walmart, we all know that some Americans will camp out all night in the cold just to hold a place in line.

Also, not surprisingly, people will happily wait longer when distracted either by a menu at a restaurant, or a video at Disney…but that annoying “elevator music” that plays when you are on hold on the phone? That irritates more than it distracts, since it is totally unrelated to the service that we expect to receive (as opposed to a menu). I could have told you that!

I did find out in my brief research however, that there is a whole science out there called “Queuing Theory” which is “the mathematical study of waiting in lines.”

I don’t know why, but I find this fascinating! Maybe it is because I listened to so many grumbling Americans as I stood in my interminable airport security line in Mexico.

I had hoped to find some stats online about average tolerable wait times based on country/culture, but unfortunately I was unable to. I’ll keep looking though, since I am sure a study is out there somewhere. (Does anyone know of one?)

My personal theory is that Americans are probably among the most impatient people in the world. We want what we want, and we want it now. I also think that if somebody had mapped the amount of time that people would willingly wait for a service over many many years, we would see our willingness to wait decreasing over time.

Perhaps that is where all this rambling ties in with Unplug Your Kids. I think that with the excess of high speed, high stim stuff that we have today, we don’t know how to wait anymore. There are TV’s in restaurants for goodness sakes! Oh well, that is a post for another day. Time to get back on track:

I did find a study that claims that the “tolerable waiting time” for a webpage to load before people give up and go elsewhere is 2 seconds! (A Study on Tolerable Waiting Time: How Long are Web Users Willing to Wait? by Fiona Fui-Hoon Nah (2004), Behavior & Information Technology, forthcoming)

A tool that I have been using to check download speed indicates that Unplug Your Kids loads in 0.96 seconds, but I have never understood this site. My result sounds reassuring, but how can it be so definitive when there are so many variables?

In the comments to Leisurely or Lickety-Split?, Christine suggested I try Web Page Analyzer. This one breaks down the results by connection speed, much more helpful. UPYK ranged from 141.44 seconds at 56K to 12.33 seconds with a T1 connection. What!! Why are any of you even here? Perhaps I should be flattered that you are willing to wait so long to read my precious pearls of wisdom. LOL! Seriously though, I need an overhaul.

For anyone else who wants to analyze the speed of their blog, geeky me liked Web Page Analyzer (free by the way) because it gives lots of information about download time per object type, and even an analysis and recommendations for improvement at the bottom of the page. Really helpful! Thanks Christine!

I hope I haven’t bored everyone to death with my nerdy musings about wait times and geeky website speed test sites. It is ironic that I, self-proclaimed “Mom Unplugged” who strives for a less technology-laden life, am obsessing about how to shave a second or two of my blog’s load time. The fact that I even have a blog at all is an irony that has not escaped me! But rest assured that this is merely a passing obsession for me. UPYK will not be turning into a tech blog anytime soon.

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia, a queue for goods in the People’s Republic of Poland.