Comments (17)

By Mom Unplugged, May 3, 2010 12:11 pm

One benefit of no TV that had never occurred to me when I began this experiment after the birth of my daughter nine and a half years ago, is the lack of exposure to “sexy teens!” I am shocked sometimes when I see how some teens and tweens, dress and act. I really am not a conservative person, in fact I consider myself to be quite liberal, but I do believe that 9 year-old girls are emotionally girls and NOT women. What ever happened to childhood?

Some might think it backward (please don’t flame me), but I am SO relieved that my 9 1/2 year-old daughter still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. She still plays dress-up and fairies with her little sister and like-minded friends. She is not on Facebook, nor has she ever expressed a desire to be. Don’t berate me for “stunting” my daughter’s social and technological development. Believe me, I am sure she will “develop socially” as soon as those hormones hit her system! She also knows how to use a computer just fine thank you.

There are certainly many factors involved. Her stage of physical development, her personality, and the fact that she attends a very small Montessori School all surely play a role. But I do truly also believe that part of the fact that she has not yet become interested in “popular teen culture” is that she is not exposed to TV shows and commercials that cause her to emulate those behaviors.

My good friend friend Wishy just sent me a link to a review of an interesting-sounding book by Leonard Sax, the author of Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. His new book is about girls: Girls on the Edge: The Four Factors Driving the New Crisis for Girls-Sexual Identity, the Cyberbubble, Obsessions, Environmental Toxins. I urge you to read the review and see what you think.

Meanwhile, I hope that my little girls stay little girls for as long as they need to.

Comments (17)

By Mom Unplugged, January 13, 2010 4:14 pm

I am annoyed. My 7 year-old son has begun frequently yelling at his sisters, my 4-going-on-44-year-old is becoming bossier than me, and horror of horrors, I swear I caught my 9 year-old ruffling her feathers and giving me an eye roll! It is clearly time to reinstate our point system which has fallen by the wayside of late.

Here’s how it works: Everyone starts with 5 points. Each child can earn points for “good” behavior and lose points for “bad” behavior. The goal is to reach 30 points at which time that child chooses from a list of non-material rewards, for example a “date” with Mom or Dad, ice cream in the middle of the afternoon, Kids Cook Night, make cookies, etc. (no money or purchases).

If someone gets to 0 points then they must miss the next bi-weekly class ski/swim trip (during the school year), or they must choose a random chore from the chore basket (summertime).

We keep a list of sample point-gaining behaviors and point-losing behaviors posted on the wall next to the point chart. The children and I came up with the list together so they have ownership of the consequences of certain actions. The list is not definitive and I am the final decision-maker as to when a point is earned or deducted.

The system is flexible. For example when I got tired of all three children having “bad dreams” and ending up in my bed every single night, I started the policy that they would lose a point for every night they came into bed with me and earn a point for every night they stayed in their own bed. That didn’t work, so I changed it to losing 2 points for coming into bed with me but earning 1 point for staying in their own beds. Like magic, the “bad dreams” disappeared! (Note: Of course if they REALLY have a bad dream, they can still come to bed with me - for free. Like most mothers, I can tell when the need is real.)

Advantages:

• Flexible to suit changing behavioral goals.
• Not entirely negative/punishment based. The system rewards positive behavior.
• Easy to keep track: I track all points on a dry erase board hung on the pantry wall.
• Does not rely on money, allowances or material goods as an incentive or punishment.
• I can spontaneously say “Go give yourself a point” when I observe (or am told of) a random really kind or helpful behavior.
• Sorry, but in my house this is NOT a democratic process. I am the final judge, jury and arbitrator of points, rewards and sentences, (although the children can make recommendations or defend themselves).

What do you do to maintain order?